ومضى الربيع ...

Taken in Fairborn/Ohio ... Oct 4,2011

وكان الربيع جميلاً

ولم أكن هناك

وأتى الخريف واعداً بالألوان

ليصنعها في يومه ولايعد لغدٍ شيئا

ويترك عشاق الشكوى والتأوه يغنون

ٍغداة غدٍ يالهف نفسي على غد 

إذا أدلجوا عني وخـُلِـّفت ثاويا

A Homeland ...

A Homeland!

What this word means to you? 

A place ? 

A space ? 

A lover ?

A Family ?

A Friend ?

A leader ?

A president ?

A language ?

A tribe ?

An ethnicity ?

An anthem ?

A song ?

A tune ?

A color ?

A flag ?

For me "NO" was the answer for all of the above. 

Homeland to me was and will always be a sense of belonging, a sense of responsibility... 

 It didn't disappear when I left the place, the space, the family and friends. It didn't and will never disappear for whoever was at the chair of power a real leader or a devil tyrant. My job in this life will always be the same.

Did I have a homeland before Feb17 ? Of course I did. Do I still have it after Feb17? Of course I still. Did you ever liked the green flag ? Of course I did, I have always carried a green flag pin in my luggage sense I left Libya. I have never wore it. But I keep it there hiding some where. It is a sign to that sense of belonging, it was never a matter what color or shape was it, it was just a sign. Do I still carry it? Of course I do, but now it is stained with both the blood of the forever alive brothers the Martyrs, and the ashes of their burned souls, burned parts of my homeland. Both the red blood and the black ashes were necessary to raise high in the sky my forever bigger belonging the Islamic sign! ... The white star and the crescent. 

Then, what difference Feb17 made for me? A lot ! That sense of belonging and responsibility went inflating like crazy in "me". Wiped me in the way. There was no more space for "me" in my life in the last six months, only that sense grew and grew as if there is no one else living in there except it. That sense was really nasty, selfish in its growth but I know that was necessary to keep it growing. It was part of me and it was stupid to suppress it or hold it back. I embraced it. I gave it as much as I can to let it grow. I was doing it while I am totally aware and satisfied. I lost many things in the path, but I considered those things trivial. What mattered most was to keep myself sane. 

Ok, Congratulation for keeping sane! Am I back now, did I have more space for "me" in me now? Kind of, the process is going on slowly but steadily.

So what next, will my responsibilities be easier to apply now? I expect and hope so. Will this make my life easier? Well, I don't think so. Despite the fact that the responsibilities are easier to apply now but my life will turn more difficult. How is that ? Because now I have a much larger space to work in. Much bigger work can be achieved to build, therefore more efforts are needed to apply. Less rest and more hard work are in the way.

Allah is the Greatest! Thank you Allah. By the name of Allah we start ... 

الله أكبر

اللهم لك الحمد والشكر

 بسم الله

Not abroad, it is inward !

Taken by me, in Bathesda, MD

Yes, It is me ... 

Still surviving ...

Run through a lot since my arrival to my new place ... 

It was not friendly with me as the Puget Sound area of the Northwest . Yet, I am getting along with it and start to kind of like the hectic rhythm of life here.

The sentence "Run through a lot " includes all of my life aspects; training, studying, health, and personal life. Truly the experience I got in the last four months was like a concentrated package for what I had in the last two years abroad.

Some moments felt so tough as if I am breaking down and losing myself, most of the other moments was blessings and made me grow and grow inward.

This journey, most people think it is a journey of studying and living abroad away from home, but I always believed it is a journey of flying and ascending inward, to get closer to the inland, and to look at this magnificent creation of Allah in each and everyone of us. And that is another living paradox of my life.

Two particular moments of near death experience only forty two days apart was so awakening that although it was tough , yet whenever I think of those moments I thank Allah million times for letting me living it. 

Don't worry I am well now that was during months of August and September, including the holey month of Ramadan.

 I actually was blogging tweeting, and Facebooking, during that time, maybe I was in stage of denial and trying to prove to myself that I am fine. But quickly realized that I am not, and that's when my blog went into a stage of hibernation, when I started taking care of that wounded self of mine.

Now to be honest I don't want for this place to hibernate again after this post but I can't give false promises ...  

So, I will try my best to hold this blog up while flying this journey as that sparrow in the photo above trying to hold a straw and fly with it. That what I really want and guess will happen even if my next post was after another few months ...

Yes, I am fine , ElhamdoAllah ...

Confession: Wedding, Yes ... White dress, No...!

I liked this "congrats" handshake it feels so warm

My mom needed to play mother-in law role last night, she very rarely needs to play that role. I had a good laugh while hearing the details, I played sister-in law role too when I was laughing, lol.

Yesterday was my brother's wedding. It is still a custom in Libyan wedding to have separated party for men and women, No mix, but there is this new ( not really new , it has been going for years now ) stupid tradition of wedding when the groom enter the the hall of the women party and walk in hand in hand in front of the guests who are all women, then to take a seat beside his bride and spend time together taking pictures and having dinner and sometimes even dancing in front of the women crowd !!!

I was never able to comprehend this event, I always used to say if the party is mixed then I will allow the groom to enter but I will always feel it so odd to see the groom in a hall stacked with only women! And I will definitely not allow it for my man, but that is another issue because I know I have a lot of strange believes about my dream wedding. Strange by the measures of our current society. It is that strange that if people know about it, their their suspecion about my craziness will be converted to a clear fact .. To give a clue,  I don't have the white dress dream fror my wedding!!! Wedding, Yes , white dress No ... I've kept this fact hidden for sometime now , even my mom who is so close to me, only knew about it only recently. I was hiding it because she herself still keep her white dress in her closet for memories of her day.

To make it clear, I wouldn't say I will never wear it, I'm not that silly or superficial to reject a good man because he has a white dress dream and want mt to wear it for the wedding. But simply I don't have this dream, and wish one day if Allah has a plan for me to have a wedding party, I wish it will be without the white dress , and by the way it is not that I want to have the same dress but with different color. No,  it is more deep than that idea. Will keep what I wishto dress for my wedding for another time.

Ok, after this big confession let's go back to my broher, he was telling me during his engagement period how his girl insisted and wanted him to enter the hall of the wedding party to spend time in front of her guests, and how he felt uncomfortable about it. He tried hardly to convince her , she was good in everything , but stubborn regarding this matter, and same way was my brother's rejection to this idea.

We as a family don't usually interefer with this matter, for example in the wedding of my previous two brothers ,one of them entered the women hall the other didn't, but back then, there were no conflicts with their brides. But this time it was different, there was a conflict, between my brother and his bride.

I remember one time his girl called me hoping that I will convince him, and the poor girl she didn't know that she is ringing the wrong number. But I didn't let her down anyway, and tried to reach a compromising solution,  I told her I will convince him to enter that private bride room which is available in each wedding hall and they can spend sometime taking pictures or do whatever they want away from the women crowd.

Anyway, days have gone and finally came the critical moments last night. As my mom was telling when they arrived to the wedding hall and as it was planed to spend sometime inthe private side-room, they were surprised with the bride walking-out to the reception of the hall and asking my brother to walk in to the hall together ... My brother get surprised and confused and with all the mixed feelings he had at that moment he just paused.

As I said my mom wouldn't interfere if he wanted that thing to happen, yet she know he doesn't. She stood-up and said, if that will happen then I am leaving the hall !  ( With angry face ). My other tow sister-in law was watching with surprise, they have never seen my mom taking such an action, she was always nice and polite. That was because she never needed to take what might look as impolite by our society measures.

I actually was laughing an evil laugh hearing the story, lol. Just my main concern was how did the bride managed to walk in with empty hands back to her guests, that would be really embarrassing , but luckily the private room was beside the reception, they stepped to the private room, and things went just as planned, but the poor bride she must had been disappointed.

Inshallah,this will be the first and only conflict they have in their life. My previous two brothers were blessed with their wives and both of my sister in-law were like daughters to my mom, I wish that my youngest brother and his bride will also have the same blessing and even more.


PS: first post I write through iPhone, after al-fajer , Silver Spring, MD.

The day when a butterfly landed on my shoulder!

I was out today at a water fountain near my school. I was  taking pictures for Quran the holy book for a project I joined and enjoy among few other friends on a facebook group. While I was deeply involved in my project I heard a voice asking in pure classical Arabic,

هل تريدين المساعدة Do you need some help ?

I looked to myself my backpack on the edge of the fountain , I put the holy book over the bag, and I was trying to hlod it straight by one hand and holding my phone camera by the other hand. I definitely looked as someone who needs help, yet I answered, No with a smile. We continued talking in classical Arabic. A freshman Malysian student in the Arabic department at George Washington University. He speaks the classical Arabic very well. We talked about the Arabic language and the different accent in the Arabic countries. Also We discussed Islam and life in Malysia. Was short but nice talk.  While we were finishing a butteryfly landed on my shoulder, it stayed still for few seconds, and then it flew away. Few seconds and  it came back and stayed there for several minutes. I liked it and handed my phone to the  young man and asked him to take pictures for it, while I am enjoying standing still and looking at the big  butterfly. It actually didn't move till I touched it lightly with my hand. I never experienced that before , it was nice peaceful feelings. I felt in contact with the butterfly!

While leaving I asked him what is your name he said ....... , then  he asked what's your name I said ....... .

Oh! that means Inspiration, right? he said , nice meaningful name.I replyed yes it is, and I asked what does your name mean?

He said nothing , it has no meaning , it is just a word invented by my parents, it has no meaning. He sounded a kind of disappointed. I replyed with a smile don't worry you will be the one who creat a meaning for your name.  I saluted him, فرصة سعيدة nice to meet you , Assalm Alikum ...

That was my second conservation in Arabic in Silver Spring ( the first one was in Arabic Grocery Store ) but it was the first conversation by the classical Arabic.

Now, why do you think the butterfly landed on me ... I think it was just tired from a long flight and wanted to rest on some peaceful place which happened to be my shoulder!

I am the fountain of peace ...lol

From Washington to Washington ...

Taken Aug. 14th 2010

From Seattle, Washington the state to Washington DC. the city , not really to Washington city but to a small city near Washington DC , called Silver Spring in Maryland...

The trip was non-stop five hours long flight during Ramadan the 2nd, August, 12th 2010.

A page turend over in my life book. It is turned because of the natural effect of time, but I know practically my soul will be hanging in there for sometime while my body is moving forward to type what need to be typed in the new blank pages ...

The preparation for the move was mixed with the preparation for an important exam which make things more complicated , yet Allah was there to help me out solving everything ... 

When I say everthing I mean both small and big things ... and by small I mean the smallest and the silliest thing you can ever think of ... To make the picture clearer here is a story for a small little thing,

 In that morning few days befor I move, I lost my hair clip . I don't know where I did put it, but it was not there in the place that it should be in ... searched and searched and couldn't find it ... and unfortunately there is no one else to blame for moving it from it's place, it's only me ... And as I have enough of for myself to blam for I tried just to forget it ...I was in a hustle that morning , I gave up searching and left to do what need to be done in that day ... late in the evening I was doing some MCQ qestions for study, while eating some nuts .. I dropped a nut ... the nut leaped between the furniture in front of my eyes, it jumped in a strange angles to end up in weird place ... I extending my arm to reach it in that corner , I proceeded with my hand, and as my fingers were searching and moving  looking for the nut , guess what I hit  ?... The Hair Clip ... which I was searching for all the day long... and if it is not for the nut which dropped in that weird angle I would have given away the furniture and never found that hair clip ... It is simple , no majic behind ... Allah was there...

This was just a little tiny examble ... if I start telling big stories, I will never stop ...

Allah's providential care have been surrounding me in a way that I feel ashamed of myself for not giving back what need to be given ... I just take take and take ... What a shame !

 So, the preparation for movement was a little hard but the trip itslf went smoothly ... As always, I plan for everything in advance. While traveling I don't like to leave things for surprises, for the seek of safety ... I made a reservation for everything from the shuttle that will pick me from my place to the airport in Seattle to the shuttle that will be taking me from the airport to my new place in Silver Spring.

Settling down was easy too, but later on as the days proceeded I got some un-pleasent unexpected surprises ... But as Always Allah's providential care was overwhelming and things went just fine ...

More inhsAllah in the coming weeks If I got time, as I will be starting my first day of clinical medical training tomorrow ... This is not the real medical residecy, this is just a kind of  training to get some US clinical experience which can help in getting residency position later on if Allah wantend ...

There is saying that say , When God is at the center of ur priority in life , u r the center of Allah's providential care

I wish in these blessed days that this saying applies to me ... but I am afraid being the other kind of people which Allah testing them by giving and giving and giving them what they wanted and want to see if they will obey and they just go astray and never obey and you know the rest ...

I just wish that in my life time I can give back to Allah, at least half of what he has given to me ...

Ramadan Kareem for All ...

I will remember you in my prayers , and would appreciate it , if u do the same :)

Call to Fajr prayer , Tripoli, Libya

I typed in a previous post ,

".......Sometimes when I go to sleep I leave both of the accounts on, on my laptop, in this way I could simulate the call for alfajer prayers as I used to hear it in the serenity of the early morning hours back home in my lovely city of Tripoli......."

Here we go,

...